Cancel All Holidays!

The government these days issued a new public health alert, warning of the advent of a pandemic even extra miserable than the last one.

“Just in case any of our citizens awoke this morning feeling chirpy,” stated Health supremo, Joe Supremo (97), “we were given collectively with supremos from the press and the Ministry of Panic to put together this new cause not to be. After all, that is a Democracy and nobody has a proper to sense 帶貓去台灣  exempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen.”

Mr Supremo went on to mention that the authorities takes the brand new danger to the existence of each guy lady and child (and puppy) in the world so significantly, they are not calling it a “pandemic” however, at the notion of the click supremo, Craig Bi-Polar (46â…Oe), have renamed it a “carnagedemic.”

[Editor’s note: insert here photo of Labrador with bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption: “Carnagedemic. All pets could die.”]

Mr Bi-Polar explained in addition: “An epidemic is rubbish, quite frankly. Doesn’t have the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, which had the virtue of sounding greater threatening than an endemic by having “pan” connected to it instead of “epi,” which sounds a piece girly. A threat qualifies as a deadly disease if it kills, or makes poorly, as many as 5 humans (or pets). We needed a new nickname for a threat on the way to kill, or might kill, extra than five people (or pets). The call needed to appearance suitable in headlines and prompt people (or pets) to attain into their wallet and cough up the loot for a newspaper out of a sense of alarm (or terror). Recently we’ve suffered from a virulent disease of pandemics and the public is beginning to become bored with the entirety. This has brought about a plague of public now not being unduly alarmed, which brought about to flare up a virus of slumping newspaper income. We can now hopefully kingdom the matter is underneath manage and look ahead to a week of headlines so that it will clearly shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine.”

[Editor’s note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearing face mask. Caption: “Be afraid!”]

But what of the carnagedemic? Health reports imply it is able to have already got claimed thousands of lives and is about to say many thousand more, despite the fact that scientists factor out that it relies upon on whether or not you outline “claimed” as “killed” or “could have killed”.

One scientist, who did now not need to be named, or indeed recognized in any respect, for felony motives, disclosed in a taped interview left on the answer machine of the Daily Scare that the carnagedemic is, or might be, forever fatal for absolutely everyone who dies from it and there is lots of difficult hearsay that it’s far, or might be, the reason of insanity or depression in people who contract it and that nobody is immune, or at least people who shriveled it were not.

[Ed’s note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyes visible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption: “Abandon hope! Start looting!”]

The approach of transmission of the ailment, dubbed “Mad Hack’s Virus,” is unsure, although all of the evidence factors to a virulent disease. If it turns out now not to be an endemic, the disorder will ought to, obviously, be renamed, with a view to simply add to the confusion so every body is preserving their palms crossed that it virtually is a deadly disease.

It is believed that MHV or “Newspaper Flu” as it’s also recognized, is come what may transmitted via contact with tabloid newspapers. Certainly there is as but no recorded case of any citizen (or puppy) contracting the ailment who does now not examine newspapers.

A source near Buckingham Palace (the bloke leaning on the railings) instructed this reporter: “What the government is not telling us is that genuinely no-one is safe if MHV is transmitted through touch with newspapers due to the fact consistent with the Office of Made Up Statistics extra than ninety seven% of humans examine newspapers, although admittedly most effective three% of these recollect what they’ve study.”

MHV has all of the hallmarks of a traditional interest-grabbing, panic-inducing and subsequently cash-spinning sickness, specifically: it is invisible, it is “everywhere,” its signs and symptoms can effortlessly be confused with innocuous illnesses together with the commonplace cold or now not sufficient caffeine, it has the phrase “virus” or “flu” in it.

Do you’ve got Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Panic. Certainly said Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Joe Satan (14) first alerted every body to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemic menace in our midst quickly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented an antidote for it.

“MHV is truely proving to be a popular sickness,” stated Mr Satan. When it changed into mentioned that there has been no evidence that MHV had certainly killed all and sundry, Mr Satan stated, ” Well that simply is going to reveal how effective our antidote, Docile 24/7, is.”

What are the symptoms of the brand new sickness? Opinions range however here’s a listing of what they can be and certainly if you have any of these, you are cautioned to panic or Docile at the National Health straight away:

Loss of capacity to suppose (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened with the aid of a dark, vague, lurking risk you can’t see)
Tendency responsible immigrants/religion/hoodies/dad and mom for everything
Feeling panicky.
Becoming ill with fear.

One victim, who’s, miraculously, no longer lifeless instructed this reporter:

“I became unwell shortly after reading the Daily Scare over me breakfast cornflakes, I assume it changed into last Tuesday’s headline: “thousands and thousands of air breathers die every yr” that set me off. The first thing I observed is I were given the shakes and became very nervous. Then I type of absolutely misplaced the desire to stay. I felt like I become doomed to die a horrible death irrespective of what I did. Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleeting discomfort in me frame. By the time I’d completed me boiled egg and infantrymen I changed into satisfied I had as a minimum twelve specific viruses, all of which might be named after animals. Then I known as me health practitioner and he gave me a prescription for some thing that enabled me to listen shades and I’ve been on Venus in which it is safe from the alien head termites ever on account that….”

Latest figures endorse that MHV may have inflamed as many as ten million humans inside the UK by myself. The government, within the high-quality lifestyle of bolting stable doors after the horse has not most effective bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written its memoirs, died and been forgotten, has bought one hundred million face mask.

When it was put to the Health Supremo that the mask are in fact absolutely vain and no defense in any respect in opposition to Newspaper Flu, Mr Supremo defined, ” That has in no way stopped the authorities shopping for face mask earlier than. The buy of face mask has lengthy been preferred exercise, favoured by Ministers bullied by the press into responding to an emergency they understand little or nothing approximately. It reassures the general public that the government is performing decisively in the exceptional traditions of headless chickens.”

(Ed’s notice: consist of photo right here of infant wearing deep sea diver’s suit. Caption: “Flee to your lives!”)

Unfortunately, just when those public still maintaining their grip on a shred of optimism naively idea things couldn’t get any worse, they’ve. Scientists document that MHV may additionally have mutated and “jumped media.” A new or even more unstoppable pressure of the virus has been detected. The new outbreak, dubbed an armaggedonedemic, is realize as Word Of Mouth Disease.